Today I posted this article on Facebook. It actually brought tears to my eyes. My 30s got off to a rough start. I lost my Gran, got majorly sick twice (both times resulting in surgery), and went through a painful divorce with a man that I had been with my entire 20s. (No, I will not ever provide details, and yes, we are amicable and peaceful. Sometimes two good people, just aren't good together. Now please, stop asking me about that too and let it go - we both have.) And there were a few other things that happened that are too painful and private to go into here. This isn't meant to sound "whoa is me," (there's been a lot of good too) just honest...just letting the pressure of my chest a little bit. I can actually hear some of my friends saying "finally."
Two parts of me have yet to recover. My sleep, which last night I got a whole 30 minutes of, and my weight. I have always been somewhat on the small side and always curvy. Not skinny, but consistantly the same size since high school. But we all deal with stress in different ways and before I knew it, nearly 30 pounds came off my already size 4 frame. And ,I don't know that I would call myself skinny, but I definitely lost my curves. And boy do people like to remind me of it on a daily basis. Some people genuinely were concerned, and I am grateful to have such caring people in my life. Some people were just actually curious and complementary wondering what kind of workouts I was doing. But numerous people, and it pains me to say this, mostly women, were just rude and cruel, and unfortunately those are often the comments that stick.
I was so lost in my difficult period, and I was so lucky to have my beautiful friend Anvia recognize it and steer me towards yoga. And I'm beyond fortunate to call the Cuyahoga Valley National Park my backyard. And so when I couldn't sleep, when I couldn't clear my head, when all the self-doubt and sadness was taking over, I began running, walking, hiking and inbetween all that, yoga, and still continued to teach my beloved cardio class and core class at Fitworks. I thought I was dealing with my life being so upside down in as positive a way as I could. I found so much peace in yoga and so much peace in the woods, and I cut out nearly all processed foods because it just felt better. Because it can't be right to fill your body with so any chemicals.
So here I am, age 33, with the smallest frame I've ever had, originally caused by stress and maintained with good, healthy habits. But I'm self-conscious as all hell. Scared to gain a pound because I can't bear the scrutiny in reverse all while tired of being the weight I am because I'm tired of defending it. As my friend Sam put in her comment on my Facebook today, "I've always felt like I've had to juggle my weight and feel guilty for my body, whatever side of the scale I'm on. I think she [the author of the article] made an important, and rarely acknowledged, point that skinny is desirable, but causes negative reactions from others (so you can't ever feel good about it), while at the same time anything "not skinny" (no matter how close it is to skinny) is undesirable."
I'm so tired of feeling this way, which is what this overshare is all about. Working on changing my mindset, easing up on myself, and hopefully enlightening some, and bringing some comfort to others dealing with weight issues. It just is what it is and I look how I look. Boom.
When I posted this article to Facebook (as did my always lovely Hilary), I was so moved (as was she) by the comments, the messages, the shares on both of our pages, as well as the number of people that stopped me to say they felt similar and/or were tired of the constant judgment and scrutiny. And it broke my heart and warmed it...all at the same time. Because it felt like a real dialogue was forming.
Anyway this song is a departure from my normal indie-loving ways, but it's for all of us who have felt uncomfortable in our skin by our own doing or someone else's. Let's change the mindset, the rhetoric, the judgment. As Hilary said on her Facebook, "How does my weight affect my beauty, my soul and my personality? I believe that every woman is beautiful and you will never find me making fun of someone because of their weight. That's because I've been there and I've dealt with that."
The 33 Project
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